Once Upon a Time: TPM Style
by MGFF
Summary: When Fairy Godmother Erin's apprentices ruin happily-ever-after, she and cousin Jazz appeal to King Tblz for aid. What they get is a clumsy prince, a flexy knight with an attraction to horses, a rapping knight, and a mongoose knight with a crush. -By Seth
1. Chapter One

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

**By Seth**** AKA Indigo**

_**Chapter One**_

"Ouch," the prince muttered, rubbing his forehead after running into a doorframe for the second time that day. His mother, Queen Zee, shook her head disdainfully. She was exasperated with her son who was now stumbling around, trying not to fall over.

"Your grace skills are quite impressive," she muttered, annoyed with her son's lack of the ability to act like a normal person.

"It's not my fault," he tried to explain. "It just..."

"It what? Jumped out when it saw you coming?"

"....Maybe," he replied with an idiotic look on his face.

The queen sighed, confused as to how she begat such a child. As she began to ponder the possibility that her child was switched with a dorky, unbalanced, idiot child, her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the king. King Tblz was disturbed to find a look of sheer agony on his wife's face. He looked from his wife to his son who was still clutching his forehead.

"What troubles you, my darling Cuddle Muffin?" He asked.

"Our son, Prince Seth, has ran into the doorframe again. I just don't know how much more his poor brain can take. He's always running into walls."

"And after that incident with your brother..."

"It's not my fault my brother dropped him when he was a baby!"

"More like threw him at the ground," the king added.

"I forgot he had epilepsy for one short moment and you'll never let me forget it, will you?"

"With an arm like that he could have made a great jouster," the king said, stroking his non-existent beard.

The king and queen continued reminiscing about Prince Seth's dearly departed uncle, who was killed by a raging goat that didn't share the same affections as he did. The prince saw this as his moment to break away. He ran for the door, pulled it open, and ran out into the hall. He ran so fast he didn't see the heavily armored guard escorting a fairy and a younger girl as he ran head first into the sentinel's thick metal helmet. The prince and the guard both instantly fell to the ground, unconscious.

The king and queen, distracted by the commotion outside, peeked out of the doorframe.

"Do my eyes deceive me or is that Erin, the fairy godmother?" the king asked.

The fairy godmother smirked and replied, "Your eyes do not deceive you my king'" She bowed her head respectfully towards him. A gesture he returned to her. The fairy godmother rested her hand on the younger girls shoulder. "This is my cousin, Bethan."

"I prefer to be called Jazz," the girl added, nodding her head towards the king and queen politely. She walked forward, to bow down before them, but tripped over the forgotten prince's legs. She stumbled forward, falling to the queen's feet. She looked back to see what she tripped on.

"Is this yours?" She asked, ever so politely.

With a flick of her wand, Fairy Godmother Erin had the girl back on her feet.

"Did I mention she's a distant cousin, twice removed?"

The king smiled gently back at his old friend, then looked at the crumpled body of his son on the floor.

"Would you mind?"

The Fairy Godmother Erin nodded, already knowing what he wanted. With a snap of her fingers the prince was on his feet, looking around very confused.

"This is my son, Seth."

"I do believe we've run into each other before," Jazz said, smiling and offering her hand to the prince. The prince stepped forward to take her hand, but stumbled over his own feet and fell onto the ground. He looked up at her, his cheeks red and hot.

King Tblz turned to Queen Zee.

"Now I promise not to get mad, my darling Breakfast Bagel, but are you sure this child is mine?'


	2. Chapter Two

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

_**Chapter Two**_

"Well, that was embarrassing."

Jazz looked up at Fairy Godmother Erin, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, Erin."

The fairy godmother looked at her, confused, while she flicked her wand about, fixing the castle room to her liking.

"Oh, you thought I was talking about you falling down in front of the queen? To tell you the truth I had forgotten all about that, as I'm sure King Tblz and Queen Zee have. They have much bigger problems to deal with," Erin said, shuddering at the thought of such an unbalanced person becoming king someday.

"You mean the prince?" Jazz asked.

"That and the business that we're here for."

"Are you going to ask the king for his help?"

Fairy Godmother Erin looked at her with a furrowed brow.

"One doesn't simply ask the king for such favors. Especially when the person asking is the cause of it. I must offer the king something in return. Something that will help him just as much as he will be helping us."

"Does the king have such a problem?"

Fairy Godmother Erin smiled at her cousin.

"Of course he does. We ran into it earlier. Well, it ran into us."

The girl returned the fairy godmother's smile.

"The prince."

"Exactly," she replied, putting her wand away. Jazz followed her as she walked out of the room and towards King Tblz's main chamber hall. She stopped in front of two large doors, a guard stationed outside them.

"Do you have business with the king?" He asked in a deep voice.

"Uhm, duh," she returned.

"What kind of business?"

"Business that isn't yours. Now get out of our way before I'm forced to summon her."

Jazz's eyes widened with terror. She wouldn't really summon her, would she?

The guard laughed.

"Summon her? I'll squash whoever this is in an instant."

Erin smiled, "We'll see about that." With a flamboyant swish of her wand, the fairy godmother summoned a young fairy. The young fairy, a fairy godmother in training, had ginger hair and was clutching a stuffed duck. She was none other than Kat, the stalker fairy.

Jazz looked at the guard. By the look on his face she could tell he recognize the famed stalker fairy. With a squeal of terror, he dropped his spear and ran down the chamber hall, Kat skipping after him yelling, "Wait for me, Cuppy Cake!"

Erin smirked, proud of her work as she flicked her wand in the general direction of the doors as they burst open. The two girls walked down the grand hall, Erin walking elegantly and Jazz working hard not to trip. They both knelt before the royal family, a large red gash visible on the princes forehead. With a flick of the fairy godmother's wand, the gash was gone. King Tblz smiled, and motioned for them to stand.

"My dear King, you are probably wondering why it is I have graced you my cousin's and my presence."

"I was wondering that," he replied.

"Well, you see," she began to explain, "You know how I, as head fairy godmother, must train all aspiring fairy godmothers?"

"Yes, I've known of this."

"It just so happens my current group is filled with quite a few rambunctious fairies. One night, after finishing their E.L.F. tests, they had a rather wild party."

"Don't tell me..."

"Yes, sir. I do believe they had apple juice," Fairy Godmother Erin winced. The Queen gasped as the prince covered his ears.

"Continue," the king demanded, his arms tightly wrapped around his wife.

"Well...I just..."

"They went out and kinda screwed up all of the happily ever afters," Jazz stated, talking for her wordless cousin. "Right now they're trying to fix everything, but it has gotten a bit out of control. If there was anything you could do to help us, we would be eternally grateful."

"In return," spoke the now recovered Erin, "I will train your son to be a fine king."

"We just want him to stop running into things," said the queen, bluntly.

The king rested his hand on the queen's shoulder, then looked at Fairy Godmother Erin.

"I wish I could help you, however I have urgent business to attend to in MegaGlompia. I will send with you my bravest knights, among them are Devin of the Feisty Sword and Chris of the Mad Rapping Skillz. My wizard, Eradicator, will go and so will our hand maiden, Lucy. My son will go along with you too, so you can hold up your end of the deal."

"Thank you my kind king," said the fairy humbly. "Although I don't believe we'll need the assistance of this hand maiden."

Fairy Godmother Erin and Jazz were surprised as the king knelt down before them.

"I beg of you, take her. I don't care if you offer her as a sacrifice to the Great Dragon, Fluffy. Just don't let her stay here."

"Alright," Jazz spoke before Fairy Godmother Erin could respond. "We'll take her."

Erin looked at her, narked. The girl shrugged.

"We'll need someone to clean up behind the horses," she explained.

The king tapped his son's shoulder. Prince Seth, who still had his ears covered from the earlier mention of apple juice, lowered his hands.

"Prince Seth," started Fairy Godmother Erin, "You will come with us to help set straight all the happily ever afters. During this time I will teach you how to act in a manner befitting a king."

Prince Seth looked at her like she was crazy.

"Crazy white fairy say what?"


	3. Chapter Three

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

_**Chapter Three**_

"He's never really left home before," the Queen explained to the Fairy Godmother Erin as they watched her son try to mount a horse with great difficulty. Another young man with red hair was holding the horses reins. "We were always afraid that if we let him out he'd get attacked by a mountain troll, or fall off a cliff, or be seen by one of the villagers."

Erin looked at the queen, startled.

"The villagers have never seen him?"

A mere second later they heard a loud yelp. They turned to find the prince's foot caught in the stirrup. Mistaking his yelp for a battle cry, the horse started to run. They could hear the prince scream as the horse dragged him over the hills, the red head following after them.

"No horsie! Bad horsie. Please don't kill the prince!"

Erin turned to the queen.

"I think I understand why you didn't want him seen."

With a flick over her wand, the horse turned around and came running back. She snapped her fingers and the prince's foot was loosened from the stirrup. He slid his foot out and stood up, dusting himself off. The red head ran up to him, holding the prince's crown in his hands. With a murmur of thanks, the prince took the crown and placed it on his head, his cheeks flushed and his hair pointing in every direction. Jazz giggled.

"You look like an oversized dust bunny."

Erin gave her a disapproving look as the prince looked down at his feet. Jazz smiled at him. Stepping forward and standing on her tiptoes, she pulled off his crown and ran her fingers through his hair, causing the prince's cheeks to flush a deeper red. After straightening up his hair, she carefully placed his crown back on his head, then dusted off his clothes.

"You know," said Erin, pulling Jazz away from the prince. "You could have just used you wand."

"I forgot," she mumbled, blushing too.

Queen Zee was smirking, then her eyes fell on the red head

"Why hello there, Aubrey."

Aubrey smiled politely at the queen. Fairy Godmother Erin saw his eyes wander shyly towards her for a second. He was about to introduce himself when Devin Von Feisty Sword ran up. He had an angelic demeanor. Graceful, strong, and brave, Prince Seth and his friend Aubrey exchanged glances as Devin flexed. Fairy Godmother Erin stared, feasting on his beauty as Aubrey looked pitifully at his feet.

"My dear prince," Devin said, still flexing. "Let me help you."

Prince Seth gave him a skeptical look.

"Fine," he said, walking back towards the dreaded demon steed.

Devin Von Feisty Sword rested his hand against the horses butt as he gave them all his classic hottie smile. The horse stayed still, it too transfixed by his beauty. Prince Seth stole a glance at the Fairy Godmother's cousin, relieved to find she was not brainwashed by his super sexy charm.

"Alright my prince, mount the horse."

Seth and Aubrey smiled at each other. Prince Seth turned to Jazz and Erin.

"He wants me to mount a horse," his eyes wide with fake surprise.

Devin Von Feisty Sword looked at them, confused. Seth smiled deviously at Aubrey.

"Well, Feisty sword, why don't you show us how to mount a horse. I'm sure you've had lots of experience," the prince said, wiggling his eyebrows seductively.

"You see? Not only does he walk into all inanimate objects, he also has the mind of a 15 year old!" cried queen Zee.

"Hey!" Aubrey cried, offended.

With a flick of her magic wand, Fairy God Mother Erin had Seth on top of the horse. The horse looked fairly disappointed that it had not been mounted by the Feisty Sword.


	4. Chapter Four

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

_**Chapter Four**_

Kidnap. That's what this was. Just because he ran into a couple doors, guards, walls, holes, trees, people, horses, poles, fences, bookshelves, windows, buildings, and cactus plants, didn't mean he was a total klutz and didn't give his parents the right to send him off on this crazy quest.

Okay, so maybe he kinda understood why they did it. It's not like he knew not to give that darn Aurora a spindle and he didn't think Cinderella would be so offended when he set up all those mousetraps. He didn't expect Ariel to get so mad when he accidentally confused her with a manatee.

It's not like he meant for these things to happen. If there were any way possible to make himself seem even a little less like an idiot, he'd try it. However, he always seemed to get stuck in situations that got out of hand. Like right now, riding a huge horse and having no idea how to get off.

He looked to either side of himself, realizing for the first time just how far off the ground he really was. He held onto the horse's reigns tighter, freaking out and hoping horses couldn't read minds. Remembering his long spent hours of practicing as a child, he tried to send subliminal messages to Erin to with no avail. The demon steed stared at him.

Crap.

Erin watched the prince, who seemed somewhat in pain, half amused and half frustrated. He was riding stiffly on the horse, his eyes huge and fixed on her, as if he were trying to tell her something. Distracted by his look of senselessness, Erin almost didn't see a young fairy arguing with a rather ugly troll. They were on a bridge, the young fairy trying to convince the troll to let her pass. Erin recognized her as Bekki, definitely one of her more troublesome fairies. Knowing her, the apple juice had probably been her idea.

Erin motioned for everyone to stop. Then, with a flick of her wand, she was on the ground. Bekki walked towards Erin, looking like a puppy who was about to be scolded. Erin was about to give her the verbal bashing of a lifetime when she heard a loud "thud" followed by a groan. She turned around and saw the prince, face down on the ground. She shook her head, disappointed.

"What was it this time?" she asked, quite frustrated.

The prince sat up, cross-legged on the ground. He dusted his pants off and looked up at her, his cheeks a deep scarlet red.

"I couldn't get off the horse and I freaked out so I decided to slip off onto a big stack of hay, " he said, trying to explain.

Erin looked at him, slightly confused and said, "But the hay is on the other side of the horse..."

Seth's cheeks turned a deeper crimson as he said, "Yeah, I found that out after I fell."

The prince's stupidity was interrupted by the sudden sound of soft music. The fellowship turned, looking for the source. The young Bekki-fairy shrieked in horror, then pointed at the front of the evil troll's pants. From forth the troll's feisty loins came three miniature boys, each with a microphone in their hands. In their high pitched voices they began to sing, "Oompa-loompa-doopa-dee-doo." Erin recognized them as none other than the Jonas brothers.

Her eyes grew wider, Seth covered his ears and Jazz covered her eyes. Bekki was still shrieking, and Aubrey, Erad the wizard, and Chris joined her.

"I am the troll, Tank!" cried the troll in a surprisingly high voice. "This is my bridge. It makes me feel all powerful and compensates for my rather miniscule... Leave now!"

Devin was about to draw his feisty sword when Erin ordered a retreat. They ran back to their horses, still able to see the troll. Lucy was standing there, still cleaning after the horses.

Erin said between breaths, "We... have... to cross... this river."

Devin stepped forward.

"We should fight this troll, we shall either pass or die trying."

Everyone looked at him as if he were crazy.

"I vote for a different idea," said Jazz.

"Me too," agreed Bekki who had summoned a telescope and was looking in the general direction of the troll's pants, giggling. Seth looked at Aubrey.

"We should wear our rubbers."

Aubrey looked at the prince, disturbed.

"Well, uhm, Prince, I agree whole-heartedly with that notion, but right now may not be the best time to be thinking about that. We're kinda trying to figure out how to get past that troll, Tank."

Seth blushed again.

"I meant rubber boots. The river isn't all that deep. I bet we could just walk across."

Everyone looked at him, shocked.

"That," began Erin, "is actually a rather good idea."

Seth looked over at Bekki, who was still looking at Tank's feisty loins and giggling. Bekki saw him watching and summoned a telescope for him too. They both giggled and watched Tank from a distance as he tried to catch his Jonas.

Erin looked at Jazz. "The current still looks rather dangerous. Use your wand to summon some rubber boots for me. I'll check if the current is too fast, and if it isn't then we'll all pass."

Jazz nodded. You could tell she was nervous. Her hand was shaking as she flicked her wand.

"_Feisty Penii, Trolls with blubbers,_

_I summon thee a pair of rubbers_!"

At that exact moment Seth and Bekki turned to watch what was happening. The spell ricocheted off the telescopes and hit the opposite person. A huge ball of smoke covered the three figures. Jazz and Aubrey coughed, then looked in the direction of the smoke, waiting for it to clear.

Jazz stood there in terror. Something had gone terribly wrong with her spell. Instead of summoning boots, her three companions now had fur all over their bodies. Instead of hands and feet they had hooves and horns her placed on the tops of their heads. They were goats.

Devin squeed and ran over, hugging one of the goats. The goat looked rather disturbed and tried to head butt him.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. What did I do?" Jazz said, freaking out.

Aubrey took her by the shoulders.

"Relax, Jazz, now think. Is there any way you could turn them back?"

Jazz thought for a second.

"There are two spells I could try, but I'm not sure they'll work. I could end up turning them into bugs."

All of the goats looked at her stunned, one still trying to escape from the feisty sworded Devin.

Aubrey smiled and said, reassuringly, "Try."

Jazz let out a deep breath.

"_Fur be gone, and hooves too,_

_Back as people will have to do,_

_Let them talk, listen to me,_

_Human and Fairies are what they need to be._"

Another huge cloud of smoke covered them. Jazz and Aubrey looked at each other hopefully. Devin still hadn't let go of whoever he was holding. Chris was impressed with Jazz's rhymes and Erad sat on his horse, painting his nails.

The cloud of smoke dispersed and the goaty gang was still there.

"Darn it, get the frick offa me!" said one of the goats, biting Devin's leg.

Jazz groaned.

"Well, at least they can talk now," said Aubrey, looking on the bright side of things.

"I'm not sure that's such a good thing," Jazz said, as a rather angry goat walked towards her. She could only guess this goat was Erin. The goat glared at her.

"We'll talk about this later," said the she-goat. "For now we have to get across this bridge."

The Seth goat, who was still trying to get Devin off of him, stepped forward.

"I say we let Devin have a go at him."

"Yes!" roared Devin. He ran towards the bridge, everyone else following behind him.

"Stop!" cried Jazz as everyone reached the bridge. They could see the Tank troll crawl out from under his bridge. "Think about it, the evil troll uses his singing Jonas to attack us. It's only logical that we use music to defend ourselves."

The evil troll stood up on the bridge, looking down on the goaty gang, a microphone in his hand. The goaty gang looked around, and they all knew they stood no chance. Seth sighed.

"I'll talk to him," he said, stepping forwards towards the troll.

The troll toward over the small goat as he asked, "What do you want?"

The Seth goat looked back at his crew, smirked, then glared back at the troll. This was his moment. He could finally prove himself, not to mention he'd look all brave in front of Jazz. Seth gazed into the troll's eyes.

"_Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want._"

The troll glared back. "_So tell me what you want, what you really really want._"

The goat boy stepped closer to the troll and sang, "_I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want_."

The troll stepped closer, his face inches away from the goat's. "_So tell me what you want, what you really really want._"

The Seth goat smirked again. "_I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha._"

The Erin goat stepped forward. "I_f you want my future, forget my past. If you wanna get with me, better make it fa-ast. Now don't go wasting my precious time. Get your act together, we could be just fine._"

The troll flinched. "_I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want_."

"_So tell me what you want, what you really really want._"

"_I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha!_"

All the goats stood together and sang, "_If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never e-ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it iiiis._"

Then the Bekki goat stepped forward. _"What do you think about that? Now you know how I feeeel. Say you can handle my love, are you for real. I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try. If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye._"

The Tank troll fell to the ground.

Chris stepped forward, his rapping skills to be put to the test. "_So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me, you gotta listen carefully. We got Em in the place who likes it in your face. We got G like MC who likes it on an' Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady. And as for me... ah you'll see. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around_!"

The goaty gang posed, their sexyness too much to take. The Tank Troll stumbled forward, then fell off the bridge. The Seth goat turned towards Jazz.

"Now if you don't mind, I'd like to be human now," he told her. Jazz shook her head, afraid. Goaty Seth smiled.

"Don't worry, I'd make a sexy bug."

Jazz nodded and flicked her wand. Seth and Bekki were both people again, but Erin was still a goat. Flustered Jazz was about to try again, but Devin stopped her and hugged the goat, his preference for four-legged animals becoming apparent. He ran forward and hugged her. Erin-goat smiled.

"It's okay, Jazz, wait until tomorrow," she said.


	5. Chapter Five

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

_**Chapter Five**_

He had never been in a forest before. Seth walked next to the horse, leading him by the reins. Erin stared at him, exasperated. She tried to convince the prince earlier to ride the horse, that princes aren't supposed to be walking along with their horses, but he just mumbled something about the horse being a devil steed and it being able to read minds and this was much safer.

He was an interesting one.

Of course, she wasn't one to talk. It wasn't often that the supreme fairy godmother was turned into a goat. In fact, such a thing probably had never been heard of until that very day. Of course there was the Great Fairy Scuffles, who turned into a majestic mustang, and Fairy Oboe Boe Wilkins was turned into a courageous hawk. She, the Supreme Fairy Godmother Erin, was a furry, four-legged, hoofed and horned, spice girl song-singing, rubber boot wearing goat. How very impressive.

The Bekki fairy collapsed onto the ground. Erin nudged her with her goaty muzzle.

"Just leave me here to die!" the very tired Bekki fairy wailed.

Erin sighed.

"Fine, we'll set up camp here. Bekki and Jazz, you two help me set up the tents. Devin, Aubrey, you two tie up the horses. Seth... go get water for us or something."

Everyone automatically went to work, afraid of Erin's wrath. She was known to do odd things with cell phones to people who defied her. Seth didn't know what a cell phone was, but he wasn't about to find out. It sounded painful.

Seth grabbed two large buckets and set forth upon his dangerous and most rigorous mission. He was steadfast and focused. Find water. That's all he had to do. He wouldn't make a fool out of himself this time.

He continued walking, swinging his buckets gleefully, thinking about how brave he was when he heard a small cry. He dropped the buckets and glanced around, looking for the source.

"Over here, you idiot!" cried the voice again. It sounded like it came from over by a big hollowed out old tree. He walked towards it fast. All he saw was a spider.

"Uhm, can I help you?" he asked the spider.

The spider just looked at him, all dozed out. The spider had small dreadlocks and reminded him of someone.

"Yo, you... yeah you with the head! Help me!" cried the voice.

Seth looked around and pointed at himself, staring closer at the spider. Was it possible that it was talking to him? And why did the spider look so familiar?

Then it hit him. Bob Marley.

The prince had heard about reincarnation from the foreigners that would sometimes perform for his father. They told him that it was the belief in which somebody is reborn. In some systems of belief, after somebody died, his or her soul was born again in the body of another person or animal. Looking at this spider, he could tell it was Bob Marley. He began to sing a few lyrics from one of his favorite songs.

"_Don't worry about a thing,_

_'C__ause every little thing gonna be all right,_

_Singin',__ don't worry about a thing_

_'C__ause every little thing gonna be all right!_

_Rise up this mornin_

_Smiled with the risin__' sun_

_Three little birds_

_Pitch by my doorstep_

_Singin__' sweet songs_

_Of melodies pure and true,_

_Sayin__', this is my message to you-ou-ou."_

The spider swayed to the music.

"Do you have a mental problem?" the voice asked.

Seth was taken aback.

"Well sorry Mister Rastafarian Bob Marley Spider. It seemed you were enjoying the song and I know my voice isn't that great, but..." He was trying to explain when he saw a bright, glittering light on the other side of the tree. He walked towards it slowly, not knowing what it was. As he walked closer, the image of a tiny girl with wings appeared. She was caught in the spider's web.

"Hello?" Seth said.

"Finally, sheesh. I wouldn't have been able to stand another verse. Now get me out of this web!" said the gutsy fairy.

Seth reached out and plucked the little fairy from the web.

"Uhm, are you all right?" the prince asked.

"Oh, I'm fine and dandy. Just, you know, almost eaten by a spider and such!"

"Well, it's good to know you're okay."

The little fairy rolled her eyes.

Seth winced and looked at the Bob Marley spider. He hadn't seemed to have noticed his lunch was gone. He was still rocking back and forth. Damn stoned Bob Marley Spider

He set the fairy on his shoulder.

"I'm Seth. I went forth searching for water when I heard thy scream."

"The name's Helen. I'm a conscience fairy in training. If you let me tag along with you, I'll help you find water."

"Alright!" the prince exclaimed happily. He followed the fairy's instructions and soon found himself back at the camp. Confused, he turned towards the fairy.

"I thought you were leading me to water."

"I have," she said, pointing at the lake on the other side of the campsite.

"Oh."


	6. Chapter Six

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

_**Chapter Six**_

It took the fellowship several days to make it through the forest. They had lost some time when Devin, who saw a rather foxy looking deer, decided to chase after it. Seth was quite disheartened, thinking Devin meant to hurt it, however; when the knight returned, he didn't have the deer. Instead he had a huge smile on his face.

Just as it seemed like they would never reach the end of their forest path, the fellowship emerged from the thick blanket of trees. They stood, mouths agape, as they saw the town standing before them.

Small, stone houses with deep burgundy roofs, were scattered all over town. The houses were covered in vines, blooming with small pink and purple flowers, which fell onto the cobblestone streets. Red rose petals littered the ground and rose bushes grew in front of every house. To the east of the town was the most beautiful pond they'd ever seen. It had a small stone bridge running over it. The same flowered vines which grew on the houses also grew on the bridge. Flower petals fell into the clear water of the pond and onto the lily pads which covered it. The stone pathway which ran around the pond was partly covered by daisies. Elaborately decorated wooden benches sat on the edge of the pathway for those who wished to sit and gaze upon the pond's beauty. To the west was a vast pasture where wild mustangs ran free. It seemed they had come right after birthing season, for small, clumsy baby horses ran around chasing each other. Troughs of oats were left out behind a large building for these horses. South of the town was a meadow. Wild flowers of every color cluttered the field, except along the pathway out of town. Little children ran and leaped through the flowers, giggling in childish delight. In the center of the town was a large platform, and in the center of that platform was a giant, stone well. Streamers and banners hung all over the town. A feeling of ease clung to the air. The combination of all the beauty made the town seem as if it was permanently celebrating a holiday of love.

This place seemed to welcome the mixed bunch. They were pulled in by its seduction. Hastily, they made their way through its northern gates. As they entered the town, Fairy Goatmother Erin heard a familiar voice.

"No, I need more flowers! Much more flowers than this!!!11one"

"Clare," spoke the great Erin fairy, "I should have known this town was your own creation. I must say, it's simply stunning."

Clare stared at Erin.

"OMG, a talking goat!!!11 This is so amazing... and it's so cute! It kinda looks familiar though," the new fairy whose name was supposedly Clare said. Then her eyes widened in fear. "Fairy Godmother Erin???!?!"

The Erin goat nodded. "Yes Clare, it is me. As I was saying, this town is marvelous! I should have known that you'd be my only fairy to actually get things right. This is, of course, why you are the shipper fairy."

"The shipper fairy?" asked a rather confused Aubrey.

"She sets up relationships," explained Jazz. "She's in charge of romance and love and such."

"And she has done an amazing job!" continued the goaty Erin fairy. The Clare fairy fumbled around with her skirt as the supreme fairy godmother continued. "Let me guess, you made this a town of love. A peaceful town that visitors would be enticed by. Once those visitors come in, you get to work and play cupid."

"Well," said the now nervous Clare fairy. "That's how it was supposed to be..."

Just then a half naked man came up to Bekki.

"Have you ever played leap frog naked?" the man asked. The Bekki fairy glared at him.

"Oh, you best not be talking to me!" Bekki pulled out her wand and with a graceful stroke, turned the man into a frog. They watched as he hopped off into the pond. "That's what you get for messing with me, you froggy betch!" she screamed.

Just as Bekki finished hollering in the frog's general direction, another man came over. Playing with Jazz's hair, he smiled at her.

"Hey babe," the seemingly drunk man began, "you're so hot, I think you're melting the plastic in my underwear."

His smile didn't last very long. Right as he finished his "smooth" line, Jazz's fist connected with his nose. He fell to the floor, clutching his face.

"Now, was that really necessary?" asked the fairy Erin.

"Are your pants really necessary?" Bekki asked the goat, then clasped her hands over her mouth, realizing what she just said and to whom.

The Erin goat shook her head, hiding a slight smile, then turned to her shipper fairy.

"Something isn't right here."

"I know," answered Clare, her voice barely audible. "I don't know what happened. Everything seemed fine. I mean, we have a bar where we sell... apple juice..." Clare was interrupted by several loud gasps. "We sold it before and everything was going alright, then suddenly, one day, people were running around all crazy. They've been saying really lame pick-up lines non-stop. My town of love has turned into a town of non-stop gropage!" she cried, and flung herself into Bekki's arms.

"Nothing's wrong with a little groping..." Bekki mumbled. Clare cried louder and Bekki patted her head.

"Well, I suppose it's obvious what we must do next. We must find the source of this perversion and snip it in the bud," said Erin.

Bekki giggled and looked at Clare. "She's gonna snip something's bud," she said, in a voice quiet enough that Erin couldn't hear what she was saying.

"I believe this 'bar' would be a good place to check," continued the supreme fairy. She turned towards the group, only to find that Bekki, Clare, and Lucy, (who was cleaning up after the horses) were the only ones still there.

"Where is everyone?" asked Erin in a demanding voice. Bekki and Clare whispered to each other, then Bekki shoved Clare forward. Clare glared at Bekki, then turned to answer Erin as Bekki whistled innocently.

"Well, uhm... I think they left right after the first time I mentioned a bar..." Clare mumbled. Erin smacked her hoof against her forehead.

"Idiots," Erin murmured under her breath. "Where is the bar?"

"Why do you want to know?" giggled the Bekki fairy. Clare shushed her and rushed off, leading them towards it.

Meanwhile, Aubrey sat at the bar. "Bartender, I'll take another shot of apple juice!"

Seth sat next to him, his gaze fixed on Jazz on the other side of the room.

"She's so beautiful," muttered the drunken Aubrey. The prince's gaze never left Jazz.

"You think so, too?"

"Mhmm, that Erin is fine," Aubrey continued.

"Huh," Seth said. Confused, he looked at his friend. "Oh yes, Erin is quite beautiful too, even if she's a goat and all, but I was talking about someone else."

Aubrey didn't seem to have heard him. "Not that it matters. She'd never notice me, what with that male Barbie prancing around," he said, gesturing towards Devin, who had ripped his shirt off and was flexing in front of several maidens.

"That guy can really drink his share of apple juice," said Seth, still in awe.

"You should have some too, Seth. Wallow with me in my eternal black abyss that unrequited love has banished me to," Aubrey offered.

"No thanks," Seth responded, his gaze returning to Jazz.

The small Helen fairy sat on the counter. A large cup of apple juice rested beside her. She used a complicatedly twisty straw to get to the apple juice, as the cup was bigger than she was.

After his fifth shot, Aubrey turned to Seth. "You know how some men buy really big carriages to make up for their, well... shortages?"

"Yeah," Seth responded, only half listening.

"I don't even own a carriage."

Seth turned towards him, slightly disturbed. Aubrey raised his eyebrow and made a sound like a wild cat in heat.

"Uhm, excuse me..." Seth managed, still somewhat horrified. "I need to... change my socks."

The prince hurried for the door, but just as he was about to open it, someone from the other side got to it first. The door slammed into his face and he stumbled backwards into a chair. Erin, Bekki, and Clare walked in, not even noticing that the prince was injured.

"Seth, come with me," said Erin. She motioned for Jazz to come over too. "Bekki, Clare, you guys look for everyone else."

As Bekki and Clare walked off to find the rest of their comrades, Erin pulled up a seat at a secluded table and motioned for Seth and Jazz to do the same. Seth pulled a chair out for Jazz, then sat in the seat across from the two fairies.

"From what I've gathered, it seems this town is under a perversion spell. As far as I know, there are only two ways this can happen. The first is, of course, if someone uses the perversion spell itself, but that spell has been hidden away secretly for decades," Erin explained.

Seth giggled to himself. It was quite amusing to see a goat being all serious and down to work.

"And the second way?" asked Jazz.

"Someone's tampered with the love spell that was originally put over this town."

"But who would do something like that?"

"I don't know, that's why I need you two to question people, but don't look suspicious," said Erin.

Jazz nodded, then stood up. Seth followed her.

"Wait, so what are we doing?" asked Seth.

"There's someone in town messing with the love spell Clare put on this place," Jazz explained, looking around the bar. "Most likely they're in here, or at least someone here will know about them. We have to be discrete, though. We want to catch the culprit."

Seth stared at her, confused. "But if this person knows that _we_ know what they did, they won't pervertisize the town anymore. We still wouldn't have anything to worry about."

"That's true," she said, looking at him intently, "but isn't it also possible that the person responsible for what's happening here may be responsible for what's happening all around Mega Glompia?"

He stared at Jazz in awe. She was a smart one. A smart and cute one... their babies would be smart and beautiful... and imaginary... wait, where'd that come from?

"Uhm, Jazz?" the prince asked, shyly. She turned to face him in all her smexalicious glory. He blushed.

"Yeah?" she asked, her eyes still fixed on him. He blushed even more under her gaze.

"Is it possible for the love spell to still be working?"

"Well, yeah. Even if the spell has been tampered with, it will still work. It'll just have less accuracy."

"Oh, that explains it." He smiled at her, then walked off across the room.

Jazz stared after the prince as he walked off. What was that supposed to mean? Was he feeling romantic feelings for someone? If so, who?

She tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of her stomach that seemed to wish she was the one his affections were directed at. She looked around the bar. Could one of these girls be the object of his affection instead of her? Could this feeling she felt inside her be the love spell?

She had to stop thinking about it. She pushed it off to one side of her mind and stepped up to her first victim.

Bekki and Clare sat at the bar counter, seeing which one could take down more apple juice shots than the other. Drunkenly, Clare turned towards Bekki.

"I decided to become a shipper fairy a long, long time ago. See, I was at a beach, laying down, when I saw these positively scrumptious guys in speedos running. They just kinda... jiggled. Thinking about it, they still give me a tingly feeling in my... wings."

As Clare described her disturbing wing tingles, Helen chatted up a handsome chipmunk. Devin pranced around, showing his muscles to anyone who would look. He ran up to an unsuspecting woman.

"Excuse me miss, but do you have a ticket?" he asked.

The lady looked at him, confused. "A ticket for what?"

Devin smirked and flexed. "The gun show! Kapow!"

The lady stared at him for a second, then walked slowly away. Aubrey wasn't having much success either. He had decided the best way to win Erin's affection was to act like Devin to other ladies. After studying Devin's moves, he walked up to the same girl Devin had intercepted. He tried his classic hottie smile on her.

"If you think Chewbacca is hairy, you should see my wookie." He added a seductive eyebrow raise. This was too much for the poor woman. She dug into her handbag and pulled out a pair of nunchucks. "Oh," Aubrey said, staring at the weapons. "Are you a dominatrix? Come over here and get a sample of Mega Glompia's most wanted."

Seth wasn't having much luck with the questioning. This may have been because he couldn't get his mind off Jazz. He knew it was most likely just the love spell making him feel this way, yet something deep inside him told him it was more than that. Slowly, he made his way across the room to her.

"I don't think I'm very good at this," he told her, staring at his shoes. "I figured I should be using pick up lines like everybody else, so they won't suspect anything, however, I don't know many pick up lines and know even fewer that will work."

"Well," she said, blushing, "you could practice a few on me."

Seth blushed even more. "I'm guessing, 'pardon me, are you in heat?' is a bit too direct."

Jazz choked slightly. "Uhm, yeah. I would say so."

"Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn you were checking out my package."

"I was not! I mean... I didn't gaze for a long period of time or anything and..." Seth stopped her.

"That was just another line," he explained.

"Oh..." She blushed.

"Well there's also, "Excuse me, I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position,' and there's 'Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?' Earlier I tried, 'Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too,' but that just seemed to confuse him."

Erin looked around the bar when she spotted a familiar looking fairy. She took a seat in front of her.

"Fancy seeing you here, Ari."

Ari eyed the goat, secretly plotting kinky things she could do with it.

"It's me, the supreme fairy godmother."

Kinky plans destroyed.

"Oh, hai fairy goatmother! What's up?"

"What's up? Well, obviously, I'm a goat and am currently on a case, trying to find out who's perverting this town."

"WHAT? Ari screamed, in caps. "SOMEONE ELSE IS STEALING MY JOB? BUT I'M THE PERVERTED FAIRY!" Erin's eyes widened.

"You mean you're not the one who did this?"

"Hell no, you'd know if I was the one who did. When I pervert something, everyone knows who did it."

"Crap!" exclaimed Erin, having just lost her top suspect.

Bekki fell asleep against Clare. They held each other tight while they slept and dreamed their little drunkard dreams.

"No!" Bekki muttered. "The Snickers bar isn't suppose to go up there."

The small Conscience fairy, Helen, looked over, sighed, than continued her making-outage with her furry chipmunk friend.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Once Upon a Time—**

**Purple Mafia Style**

_**Chapter Seven**_

Seth still stood with Jazz, trying to find a good pick-up line to use.

"Hmm, maybe you should try something that sounds more mature and learned," Jazz advised.

"Learned? I suppose I can do that." He thought for a second. "Hello, well-formed Homo-sapien specimen. Would you care to depart with me towards my domiciliary residence and observe a documentary of the ontogenesis of another Homo-sapien individual just prior to fertilization?"

"That was a bit too much."

"I guess so. Do you know any good ones?"

"How about, 'Hi. Can I domesticate you?'," she laughed.

"Sure," he said.

"Wait, what?" Jazz looked at him, confused.

"Huh, what's wrong?" he asked.

"What did you just say?"

"Uhm... I'm pure?"

"Oh..." They both blushed. Seth leaned a little closer to her.

"I have just one last question to ask you."

"And what would that be?" she asked, her eyes big and curious. He blushed.

"Can I try a pick up line on you?"

Jazz's eyes widened.

"You mean, not just for practice?" she asked.

"Nope," he returned. Jazz started to lean closer to him, when suddenly the door opened and two figures walked in.

One of the figures looked slightly familiar. He had dark black, bowl-shaped hair and a dark black uni-brow to match it. His face looked uncannily like a frog's. Large ears protruded from the sides of his head. His large roman nose took up most of his face, which was covered in freckles. He was not a very attractive male.

The other figure had slightly longer hair, but it was horribly thin. Seth couldn't tell if it was a female or male. It had a large forehead and a roman nose so big, it rivaled Frog boy's. Now, this wasn't the normal somewhat sexy roman nose. It was the kind of roman nose you'd expect on a witch. Its face looked oddly stretched out and boney. The two definitely caught people's attention. Sadly, those same people would get sick almost instantly after looking upon them.

Slowly, Jazz and Seth walked up to the duo, fighting the urge to hurl. The frog faced boy turned to his partner.

"I'm on top of things, would you like to be one of them?" The partner snickered.

Seth recognized this as a challenge. He turned to Jazz. "Soccer players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions. Just thought you should know that." Jazz smirked and she and Seth looked back at the horrific couple.

"You're pretty good," said the frog faced boy. "The name's Tank. This here is Ann." He pointed to the person standing next to him.

Jazz gasped. A moment later Seth realized why he recognized the frog faced guy. He looked almost exactly like the troll they had ran into earlier. Seth eyed him, hoping his Jonas would keep to themselves.

Regaining his composure, Seth offered his hand, which thankfully was in a glove, to Tank, then Ann.

"It's nice to meet your Mr. Tank and Mr. Ann..." Before he could finish, Ann stepped over to Jazz.

"Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet."

Jazz inched away, disturbed by the horrible line. Ann stepped closer.

"Hey baby, you must be a light switch, 'cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!"

Seth stepped protectively in front of Jazz.

"Young man, I don't think you should be talking to her like that."

Ann ignored him and bent down, taking off her shoes.

"What are you doing?" Jazz asked.

"Taking off my shoes."

"Why?"

"So I can take off my pants."

Seth's eyes widened in horror. He did the first thing he thought of.

"Devin! Sic her!"

Devin came skipping towards them, then leaped like a ninja ballerina onto Ann, who was just about to pull down his/her pants. Erin, Aubrey, Clare, Ari, and Bekki came rushing over. Helen was about to come help when her furry friend pulled her back and they resumed their lustful groping.

"Perverts!" Erin screamed at the froggy duo. Bekki and Ari looked at Erin.

"What did we do?" asked Ari. Erin sighed.

"I was talking to the facially challenged people."

With a flick of her wand, Clare had Tank and Ann tied up. She flicked the wand again.

"_Liars, liars, these two be_

_A little help, so thinks me_

_Let truth come_

_pervertedness be done_

_Before I whack them with Bruce Lee!_"

Erin stepped forward. "Were you the ones who messed with the love spell?"

Ann smirked. "That was me."

"And why would you do that?"

"Psh, the spell went wrong. It was suppose to make everyone who drank the apple juice fall madly in love with me. Instead, they all started spouting pick-up lines. Usually I wouldn't mind this, but they weren't all directed at me."

Clare leapt forward and started to strangle Ann. "Betch! You ruined my jiggly paradise!"

Ann laughed and there was a flash of smoke. Both her and Tank were set free from the ropes. She muttered something under her breath and all hell broke loose. Tank, the frog boy, started to strip tease in front of a horrified Clare. Helen found out her chipmunk lover was, in fact, female. Aubrey ran up to the poor harassed woman.

"I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?"

Devin stroked Erin's hoof.

"Do you live on a chicken farm?"

"No," replied Erin, blushing and confused.

"Really? I'm surprised. You really know how to raise co..." he was interrupted when Seth covered his mouth.

Ann tried to give Ari a lap dance, and Ari pushed her. "Oh hell no, mister!"

Ann smirked, approaching her. It was obvious she planned to take Ari by force. Ari returned her smirk with a sharp kick to Ann's nuts.

Tank was about to take off his pants. The horrified fellowship would not be able to stop him. They knew the singing Jonas would soon come and devour them all.

Suddenly, there was a flash and a cloud of sparkles enveloped them. Most of them coughed after inhaling the sparkles. Seth squeed and batted at the glitter. As the glitter settled, a form emerged from it. A girl who was quite tall stood in front of them. She had long wavy brown hair and a stripey hat on. Seth pounced her.

"Karikins!"

Kari giggled.

"Ah, Kari!" exclaimed Erin. "My dearest sparkle fairy! It's me, Erin." Erin then looked from Seth back to Kari. "You two know each other?"

Kari smiled.

"Yep, Seth is my brother."

All the fairies stood, shocked as Seth scruffled his little sister's hair. Kari flailed, trying to get Seth to stop, then turned to Erin.

"I just got back to Mega Glompia after studying all around the world."

Seth looked around.

"Where's Tank and Ann?"

"Oh, you mean the frog faced guy and the he/she? I think I saw them crawling out of here. The he/she seemed to be clutching his ouchie place."

Erin sighed. Jazz smiled and hugged her old friend.

"Oh, did you happen to learn how one can go about turning a supreme fairy godmother back into herself if she's been turned into a goat?" she asked. Kari looked at her friend, shocked.

"Yeah, that stuff is easy. All you need is a kiss."

"You mean true love's first kiss?"

Kari stroked her invisible beard, just like her father did.

"I'm not sure."

Devin ran for his goaty mistress, ready to lock lips with her when Aubrey pushed him out of the way.

"No, if anyone gets to kiss her it should be me!"

"Never!" cried Devin. "I shall kiss her!"

Bekki sighed and pushed them both out of the way, rested her hands on the sides of Erin's goaty muzzle, and pressed her lip's against the goat's. There was a huge "poof" and instead of a goat, there stood a young, blonde fairy. She looked in a mirror, then turned to Bekki.

"What the hell? Your kiss turned me back into my 18 year-old self. I can feel myself slowly becoming less mature and... hey, is that apple juice?"

Kari made sure to lift the dreaded Ann curse from the apple juice before anyone began to drink anymore of it. They sat around a table laughing. Without being noticed by anyone except Seth, Jazz slipped out of the bar. Seth sat around with the fellowship for a few moments before following her. He opened the door and walked out, feeling the cold breeze of night caress his skin. He looked around and saw Jazz, sitting on a bench overlooking the pond. He walked quietly over to it and sat down next to her. She looked at him and smiled, then looked back over the water.

"Quite a day," she said, smiling. The prince smiled too.

"Pretty disturbing."

Jazz laughed. "Definitely."

Seth smiled and looked at her. "Hey, would you mind if I called you 'Kitty'?"

She looked at him, bewildered. "Why ever would you call me that?"

The prince shrugged. "You remind me of a kitten."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Because I'm small, have poofy hair, and have a tendency to walk into walls?" She laughed. He laughed too.

"Well that's all true, but I was thinking more because you're adorable, silly, and I can't help but want to hold you."

Jazz blushed, "That's just the spell talking."

Seth nodded, "Hey, I never got to use my pick up line on you."

Jazz laughed. "If you say something like 'Hey, I'm looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?' I may have to kill you."

"Wow, Apocalypse Kitty!" He laughed. "I was actually thinking something along the lines of "Hey, do you have that Hawaiian disease? I think it's called 'Comeoniwannalayya'." They both laughed. Seth couldn't help but steal another glance at her. She was so beautiful when she laughed. He inched a little closer to her and she looked at him. He stared into her eyes.

"Can I ask you one single, impulsive question?"

Jazz nodded.

"Are you in love at the present moment? I'm not the type of person to impede on another person's happiness, but if the answer is 'No,' please let me continue."

Her eyes beckoned him to go ahead.

"Has anybody ever told you that you glide?" he asked, looking at the bridge. She looked at him, curiously.

"What?"

"It's a very special quality. Most people simply plod along all their life, but not you, you glide. Girls who glide need guys who make them thump."

"Thump? That just sounds wrong."

He smiled at her. "You think about him, you can't eat, you can't sleep, you wait at the window so you can greet him the moment he comes home. Girls who glide need men who make them 'thump.'" He slowly lifted his hand and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Let me be that man for you."

Kitty's face turned scarlet. She leaned in close to him. Her lips were almost touching his when she remembered. She sighed.

"The love spell... none of this is real."

Seth just looked at her for a moment, then looked back over the pond. She got up and made her way back to the bar. As her hand fell onto the doorknob, a hand enveloped hers. The hand was bigger than hers, and warm. She felt soft lips press gently against her cheek.

"I don't know if this is just the spell. Perhaps this feeling will vanish the moment we leave town. There are many things I don't know, but I do know this. In all my life I've never felt like this. I've never wanted anything more than this. I can't stop thinking about you. If I lose this feeling, it'll be as if I were leaving a world of coloor to one of monochrome. What's happening here is incomprehensible, but the way I feel about you right now is incomparable to the way anyone has or ever will feel about anyone else. This feeling inside me right now... this is total, unrivalled, unconditional, and absolute love."

"And what if it's illusion?"

Seth sighed and opened the bar door. He stepped in, then turned to her. "And what if it isn't?"

He held the door open for her. Slowly, she walked inside, then turned towards him. "You know, for a guy who's suppose to be a complete idiot... well, you're not."

Seth smirked and closed the bar door behind them.


End file.
